close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams purge your thoughts of the life you knew before close your eyes let your spirit start to soar and you'll live as you've never lived before -Music of the Night; Phantom of the Opera
I've always wondered...when do you let go? How many times of trying is considered enough? Why do we always put ourselves through it? Disappointments upon disappointments, when can we say enough is enough and not feel like a failure?
I try to be good. I try. I don't give up. But there comes a point when I've just had enough with disappointments. It's perhaps time to accept fate. Accept that no matter how defiant I am, I can never change what is meant to be.
There are those who will always deny fate and fight to have things the way they planned rather than succumb to what life dealt them. Then there are those who just accepts. Make the most of what they do have rather than search endlessly for things they rather have. Which one of these people are truly happy?
I'm never good at letting go. It could be a stubborn streak. It could because I hate to fail. I hate to not take the chances I'm given. But I think this is the breaking point. There is simply nothing I can do to make things work. It just isn't meant to be. Why fight it anymore? Why keep putting hope into it and always end up a little too disappointed? Why? Why not just accept it and try to move on? Because I don't know how to say it outright. I don't do well with confrontations. I'm too easily persuaded and too easily emotional. I know too many disappointments and don't want to be the cause of one. I just don't.
But I can't do it anymore. I can't make the emotional commitment anymore. I deserve to be happy. My time is precious as it is, I don't want to waste it by waiting for something to come that will probably never come along. It really is time to let go...
I watched Gossip Girl today. I just finished. I find the story between Lily and Rufus to be very sad and sweet. The difference in their background prevented them from being together once. And when they were finally given a second chance, there were other circumstances as well.
In life and love, it's not often we are given a true second chance. Many times once was enough to let us know whether it would work or not. However, there are times even though the relationship has ended, the love continues. Being in a relationship isn't about just two people. It's about timing as well. There are those who absolutely perfect for one another, but will never meet each other or meet one another in a situation that prevents the union. That is bittersweet.
It makes my heart heavy to watch movies or shows that don't allow two people who loves one another to be together. Simply because it's so close to reality. It doesn't give me hope for my own future. I've always believed in the one person who we will meet in our life who is our perfect soul mate. I want so badly to believe that. Yet also because of this belief I am unsure about so many people in my life. How do you know who you're soul mate is? Do you feel it right away? I want to know.
My most insightful thoughts come when I am lying down in the dark. The moments before I go to bed, I have all these questions and propositions in my head. In fact it was during these moments that I figured out my math problem in Grade 8. I had to figure out to calculate the diagonal line in a 3D retangular box; from one corner to the other. Somehow I was able to break it down and got the right answer. However if I don't consciously try to remember my thoughts I usually don't remember them by the morning despite how great they were.
I was thinking the other night, during my restless sleep, about destiny. Are we all destined for one and only one thing in our lives? Or are we destined for many things? And how does one recognize what one is destined for? Is there some epiphanic moment? And could it be that some people never realize what their destinies are and remain floundering for the rest of their lives until they're six feet under. But most of all, I wonder what my destiny is and will I be happy when i find out or will it be bittersweet.
"Language has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone,
and the word solitude to express the glory of being alone"
--Paul Tillich
